Tuesday, January 03, 2012

The question you've been running away from...

Egyptian sunset

Tonight, I had an epiphany. Not in the "eureka" sense of the word, but the actual realization of a truth that is inherent within me. And, hopefully, it will also motivate my dearest reader to reach his or her own "glaringly obvious blind realization, like pure truth".

But maybe it's not even fair to blame it on tonight. While the catalyst to it was there, this one was no different from any other goal we reach: the path is also, if not primarily, important.

One of the first symptoms along this path was a general feeling of dissatisfaction. Nothing much, we all have it at some points in our lives and I've had it for quite a while now. I think the point where it stepped up a notch was when I had my first "vision" some 2 months back, the second symptom.

Now, before you go thinking I'm crazy, let me assure you it was not a sort of "I see dead people" vision. It was more a subtle realization of a desire where, for a simple moment, it's almost as if you could see the world around you as if one of your goals had been fulfilled. And it was quite beautiful. I said it was my first vision, for there were a few afterwards. While somewhat different in content, the essence remained the same. But now comes the third, and most incredibly annoying symptom: fear.

I respect fear. I believe it's a core characteristic of our very essence as humans. Without fear, I don't believe we would've survived as a species. It's what keeps us on our toes, it's what allows us to assess a situation and determine danger. But unrestrained and, especially, untrained, it will only lead to disgrace and bitter disappointment. Whereas if faced, it can produce quite incredible results. Some people call overcoming your fears as courage. I think these two names are simply different sides of the same coin.

One of the things that bothered me about my visions is that I sort of saw them in a 3rd-person perspective. More of an observer than an actual participant. And tonight I believe I got the answer as to why. Which, surprisingly (and ironically) enough, came in the form of a question.

As I was driving by to meet up with some friends, I passed a building that I have not entered in almost 10 years. A quick flashback reminded me of a question I was asked there, in front of that building, all those years ago. A question to which I essentially said "no": something that, on occasion, has haunted me, with the "what if" scenario playing in my head, in which I wondered if I should've said "yes". Sometimes, I felt as if I had been asked one of those questions that can define what will happen later down the road and that I simply shoved it to the side, not realizing its potential at the time. And alongside it came the terror of having missed out on something. And also the terror of revisiting that question.

This terror has caused me to over-think situations, to fear change on the basis that I might miss out on something if I stay still, while at the same time making me afraid of staying, in the chance that change might be what I've been looking for. It has made me undecided about many things, afraid to commit to beliefs, dreams and goals... I had lost my assertiveness.

This was the moment when my head prompted me to flashback once again to that moment. Only this time, I threw away my fear of committing to an answer. And I imagined myself as saying "yes". And hence came my moment of blind realization, as I felt a change. My visions ceased to be 3rd-person perspectives... I'm now in them, seeing them fulfilling themselves as seen through my own eyes. I felt empowered by the decision, I felt as if part of me had been found after all this time.

And while I realize that the past is the past and nothing will change it, I realize that that's part of the beauty: it's not really about what might have happened, is it? It's about what you can still achieve. I found myself smiling with excitement.

While the experience I just described is inherently personal, I feel that it can still be educational to you, my dearest reader: if you felt somehow connected to my experience through the symptoms and situations I described, if you feel your situation is in any way similar: search within you. Sometimes you won't have to search very deep, this sort of things is often near the surface.

Find your own question, that specific moment. Don't struggle with it. Instead, focus on what ails you for a while, then go for a walk, take a drive, do something different. When the time is right, you will feel it flow with such simplicity that it will amaze you as to how it remained elusive for so very long.

And when it comes, don't fear it. Embrace it. You'll feel empowered by it.

I'll see you around!