Monday, December 21, 2009

Taking a step back...

OK, a few weeks since I last updated this. Had some ideas for posts in the meantime, but never really got around to do any of them... mostly out of laziness, but I've actually been busy with work life and personal stuff.

It's probably due to the time of the year, but thing is I've been giving a whole bunch of things a whole bunch of thought. And it scares me how all of them sort of interconnect.

Recently, I've discovered "How I met your mother" and I'm totally hooked to it. As I watched the Season 1 finale and saw Lily's actions and justifications, something really rang inside my head: the whole "even if you feel it's a mistake, sometimes you gotta make it to know if it's a mistake or not".

To be honest, I've never been one to commit to stuff. I usually stand a bit to the side, on a comfortable area where I can easily bail out if things go sour. Sometimes, it saved my ass from a whole bunch of hurt... but truth be told, it does leave me with a bit of emptiness inside out of not giving something that I actually want all I've got.

Going back to Lily and her flashback to her high school prom (if any of you don't know what I'm talking about, I HIGHLY recommend that you try to watch this series... it's THAT awesome!), I could really relate to the feeling of "whatever happened to the dreams I had?" and the question has been pounding on my head for a while now. And the answer is so simple that it frightens me as to the simplicity of it and why I didn't do it: I didn't commit to any of my ideas.

When I went to Physics Engineering, I had awesome ideas about hyperdrives, new forms of power generation, new engines, ways to avoid inertia, so much stuff. To be fair to myself, I was a bit young and naive. Deep down, I knew all of this was probably go down the drain for impracticability, but mostly I was under the illusion that Physics was the place where I could find people to discuss my ideas with. Short answer is, aside the rare exceptions, it wasn't. And here I let myself down, for I didn't pursue my ideas alone... I let my ideas go to waste out of not finding someone to share the ideas with. I lacked commitment to myself.

I wanted to go to MIT to try to find that which I felt lacked here... but failed to commit to the idea of living abroad.

Then I came to Computer Sciences and my goal was set out: nanotechnology and/or artificial intelligence, research & development. Again, I failed to find someone to share it with and... well, here I am working in consulting, quite the difference.

And these are the aspects that are known to most people that do know me... there's a whole bunch of other examples that I'm not gonna post here, but serve to demonstrate that I have an issue with commitment to stuff that I actually want. I know that I want them, but I get comfortable in doing what others would expect me to do.

The few times where I actually followed up on what I felt that I wanted... yeah, it made me happy for what it was.

Hence, the post title. I'm tired and exhausted out of barely scraping by. I want to start down my own path, independent of what other people think of it. That's why I'm taking a step back... so that I can hopefully take two or more steps forward.

Here's to introspection... that it leads to the road of happiness and helps me stay away from train wrecks.

I'll see you around! ;)

No comments: